art by LeAna Asher
The story of how I got there…
I had always wanted to be a real professional artist. I’d been making art since I was a kid and I loved it. Growing up learning to be a people pleaser and adding in perfectionist paralysis, I learned not to dream too big. Not having had the guidance or the structures to support my little dream to be an artist full time. When I had started college back in the early 90’s I decided I needed to be practical and go into business or interior design. This is where I stopped making art for many years.
In my early 20’s it was easier to write in my journal my deepest dreams and innermost secrets that to risk even taking the smallest step toward it. It was easier to criticize the people in the arena than to step into my own life’s arena. This was all a symptom of this ideal perfection I had bought into. At about this time I switched majors at college and walked into the art department and signed up, scared and excited all at the same time.
Asher family 11×14 silkscreen on paper by LeAna Asher ( made in college to honor my ancestors)
Then soon after getting my art degree, I allowed life and other peoples needs and desires get in the way. I took time away from my creative longings to be a “great mom” and a “great wife”, I don’t like doing anything halfa**ed and all my energy went to my growing family. All the while feeling like I had lost something. I was missing something. To be honest I was deeply sad, empty, underexpressed and heartbroken.
In my early 30’s I thought that I had to be the perfect wife, perfect mother, perfect daughter, perfect friend, perfect blah blah blah before I risk taking a step at being my own authentic self. I thought since I had failed that I wouldn’t be good enough for anyone, including myself. Well, it took failing at all those things to accept and embrace myself and my imperfections to have awakened my soul. that slowly began to fill me with meaning and purpose.
My inner critic viciously reminded me all that I am not. It felt like the wind was knocked out of me, dropping me to my knees, the world seemed like a dark dark place down there. The creative art world seemed like a place for only the selected few. My inner critic reminded me it wasn’t for me, it was too late for me. It was my secret, I longed for this creative life, to be a full-time artist, to be an entrepreneur.
Realizing my need to get answers I started to tap into my core desired feelings ( Danielle La Porte), I did lots and lots of therapy. I dove into creating a new healthy body and I created healthy boundaries, I cocooned around my children and myself. I started to realize I enjoy the solitude of my new life. Away from the noise of everyone else. I actually needed to get this quiet because my voice needed to come through, it needed to have time and space to hear over the noise in my life. This is what I heard. You are NO longer was I the victim of your circumstance. You are NO longer just surviving, you are thriving. You will fail and pick yourself back up again. You are not your past, it is not too late.
I am not too old, it’s not too late to be whom I was meant to be.
It became very clear to me who was responsible for this life I was or wasn’t living, I realized I was the only one accountable for my dreams and desires. So with baby steps, I took steps towards my dreams and risk failure over and over again. This time I was willing to feel the growing pains of vulnerability and courage, the judgment of others and from myself. Knowing there will be so much to learn, to discover, to experience on this journey. After letting go of the people and places and ideas of who I thought I was.This is where, against all odds and personal circumstances I picked up my brushes and painted many bad paintings, and sketched bad drawings and made messes. This time it felt different, this time I didn’t stop. I kept going even when no one was looking.
Thank you, LeAna
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